Let’s say, after reading my expert tease on all the space archetypes, the Cranky Pants Destined Mate most likely to land the King of the Galaxy makes you want to punch her too. Do you have to write your romance book about her? I am here to tell you that you do not! I have two other promising archetype choices for the King’s Destined Mate, unless, of course, you prefer to write a really exciting, best-selling, sexy adventure about an easy Earth girl named Bellemay who—
No, forget I said that. You stick with the archetypes and leave the best-selling, easy Earth girls to me, okay?
No, forget I said that. You stick with the archetypes and leave the best-selling, easy Earth girls to me, okay?
Type 7f: The First Alternate Archetype of the Destined Mate When She Realizes the Very Human Robots are Mistreated (the Crusader): Sometimes Cranky Pants morphs into this archetype if she happens to get to know the King of the Galaxy's Robot, though not in THAT way, because she’s not like that, blah blah blah. Her loss.
Upon switching to this archetype—or if starting out as this archetype—Alt-1 is about as much fun as cleaning Moltarian prison toilets. Which I hear are stinkier than a caux’s rotten carcass, once somebody done skinned it to get himself a jacket. Alt-1’s crusade for equal robot rights is like the weight of the universe on her shoulders. She’s a total drag for you to be around, but her fervor impresses the King almost as much as the dang makeover.
Not only is she the beautifulest creature on or off Earth who did nothing to get that way except eat a bunch of alien carbs and let somebody put mascara on her, but she's the smartest, holiest, and most righteous. She can do no wrong. She refuses to marry the King until he changes the robot laws. Hah. Like that Robot is being mistreated. I guess they missed the smile on his face after you took him for a test drive.
Alt-1 in a less SFR form might show up at your Earth house when you get back from your abduction and demand you remove yourself and your bad influence from her neighborhood. Crusader my butt. You'd think a gal who escaped aliens would get some respect, but speak to one group of teenagers at a graduation ceremony about getting abducted when they turn eighteen if they want to have a real good time, and so many of your former fans turn on you.
Type 8f: The Second Alternate Archetype of the Destined Mate When It Turns Out She Has Magical Healing Powers (The Nurturer): Alt-2’s better than that prig Alt-1, even though the King of the Galaxy is definitely gonna go through with the royal wedding once this archetype evidences the mystical long-lost powers of the Ancient Shooshoo. The Traxian Seer said it would be, and so say they all. Traxian Seers are all alike.
When Alt-2 turns all healy, girlfriend undergoes a personality change to match the damn makeover. Suddenly she loves soft, snotty, baby things. She coos over every kid and animal you happen to cross paths with. Especially if it’s wounded in some way so she can go into a glowy trance and fix it. Don’t matter if it’s got tentacles, she loooooooves it. And I don’t even think I have to tell you this, but I will. She’s totally a virgin. So she says. I think she used her healing powers on her cooch.
Alt-2’s about-face in personality don’t seem to surprise nobody but you. Here’s what I reckon causes it. The mystical powers sap whatever was left of Alt-2’s brain after the 3 cans of hairspray involved in her makeover. She started out cranky and sarcastic, right? Suddenly she loves babies and she's dumb as a moonrock. But the good part? She can now be played for a fool by any Wastrel or Bastard. Especially if they have a little nudge.
And that's when the idiot King of the Galaxy tries his slingshot around the sun routine.
My advice? When whatever villain is causing trouble in the story besides you comes looking for the Dumb Blond of Contrived Vengeance, pretend to be her and offer up your own body as a sacrifice. It gets you out of the planetary palace, and when they find out you aren’t the Dumb Blond they thought you were, they'll dump you back on Earth where the dud of a stud ain’t got clearance to re-kidnap you.
I mean, after a while, you’ve been there and done all that and realize it's time to return to good ole Terra Firma Alabama.
About
the author